This past week I finally received the backer copies of the book, and it was good to have them, to hold them, smell them and feel their weight. I was able to sit down with my children and read it to them, see their reaction, and hear them shout out the letters on each page. Being a digital artist, I am seldom left with any sort of physical result, and this felt different. To not only see what I had done, but the beautiful handiwork of Iain, Chris and Nina who designed and printed the book, was amazing. I think I'm hooked.

Writing and illustrating a children's book has been on my bucket list for a long time but I could never imagine just how it would come to be. The campaign, a publisher reaching out, trips to California and lots of waiting. It's been a journey. Will the book be well reviewed? Will it sell? I really have no idea, and the answer matters, for the present and future of what I am doing and will do, yet I think I need to take a moment and pause. Since I started this thing I've been waiting for the next step before celebrating, reflecting or exhaling. I needed to finish the book. I needed to edit the book. I needed to print the book. I needed to see the book, ship it, now see how it does in the wild. But tonight, even if it's almost 1am, and tomorrow will bring a new round of anxiety, I'm going to let out a little sigh of relief. Of course, there is still that one book downstairs with the missing address....

When I was younger and art was a pastime instead of a profession, I remember needing to be in the right frame of mind in order to do it, or at least do it well. Now, with a constant stream of projects and bills to pay, the idea of creative juices flowing sometimes and being shut off at other times is a luxury that I can no longer afford.

When I was first working as a full-time artist I remember really stressing over my ability to be creative. When I wasn't at work I was fretting about the next day, whether or not the divine angel of inspiration would visit me, and grant me the gift of a good idea with its flaming sword of originality. Add to that a boss that was constantly telling me I was 'artistic' but not very 'creative' and I was a bit of a mess, constantly doubting and second guessing myself. Looking back, as crazy as it sounds, I've often said that I was far less stressed at my previous job selling copiers! I was pining after something that I now realize comes with time, experience and lots of practice.

It wasn't until years later that I really gained my confidence as an artist and realized that I could create good work on a consistent basis. A large part of this realization came when I began working with other companies that affirmed what I did and were willing to pay a good wage for it. Though much of it does come down to discipline, I would also say that the environment I was working in was creating a huge mental and creative hurdle that I was unable to jump over for a long time. In an environment where people were recognized for the things they do well and encouraged to improve on the things they struggle with, rather than berated for their shortcomings, I found a great launching pad to becoming an independent contractor. Now, working remotely, only communicating through Skype and email with my clients, I'm able to get up every morning with the self-discipline to get to work and the self-confidence to create good work. Sure, inspiration still comes and goes, I still mess up and redo things, but there is a baseline that I'm aware of and able to maintain. Creativity is no longer a white rabbit, but a constant companion.

It's an odd thing working from home. I've heard different people comment on the topic. Some say that they love it, have meetings in their boxers, stay in their pajamas all day, or just slack off and do other things. Some get cabin fever, can't stand being alone so much of the time or are easily distracted by all of the other things they could be doing around them. Me, I'm somewhere in the middle.

I like the luxury, and I do consider it a luxury, of no commute, of setting my own hours, being my own boss, making art, writing books, seeing my lovely wife and children as often as I want. But what I have found over the last year is that it's very hard NOT to work these days. Working from home means that work is always an option, and working in the video game industry with other small developers means that all hours are fair game. I never 'go to work' in my PJs, that would feel weird, but then again I never go to work at all because I'm already at work. And if anything I'm too focused and find that if I have nothing to do, I work. I don't relax. I don't play a game, or read a book. That would seem far too unproductive. So I work.

It's not healthy I know, sleeping so little, working too much, but there is some inexplicable drive behind it. The constant feeling that time is limited and there's so much to do. But is it and is there? Kickstarter campaigns, books and card decks, are not generally launched because I am sitting around twiddling my thumbs. In fact, instead of taking focused time to just work on them I end up doing them in addition to all of my other projects. The drive to create, test limits, see what can materialize from the perceptual and conceptual. And right now, I'm in the middle of a lot. Just launched a game, working on several others, waiting for 260 copies of the book to come in, finishing the card deck. I'm not at the beginning of anything, or the end, because when one thing moves forward there's always something else tailgating close behind. But isn't that life? In the middle of it all, until we're not.

A couple of nights ago I watched the countdown of my second successful Kickstarter campaign. My wife and I had opened a bottle of wine, and when the seconds hit "0" and "Successful" showed in green, we had a little toast. That was really the extent of the celebration, and truth be told, I was very grateful and happy, but also just dog tired. As I said in my previous post, running a campaign is a wild ride, and the end of the fund raising portion is the beginning of the work to fulfill the 1,000+ backer rewards. So, although elated, I went to bed with my wheels turning, plates spinning, and thoughts on what the coming weeks would hold.

It's eerily quiet after a Kickstarter campaign ends. During the project, for every single 1,025 backers, I got an email when they pledged, decreased, increased or canceled their pledge, commented, or messaged me. My iPhone was in a constant state of activity, and I was even experiencing "phantom buzzing" when there were actually no alerts happening. Then, all at once, it stops. Sure people message and comment still, but it's nothing compared to what it's been. It's a relief in many ways, but also like the day after Christmas.

All that being said, I'm now beginning to realize that, unlike the hours I put in during the campaign in which I was unsure whether or not there would be a financial return, I can now work on the deck knowing that I have a certain number of hours prepaid. This is quite freeing, and I'm excited about finishing the face cards, working with Bicycle and seeing this thing materialize into something I can lose at poker with.

Man, in some ways it seems like 30 days flew by, and in others it was a loooong month. Running a Kickstarter campaign is such a roller-coaster. There's the initial excitement, anticipation and fear as you hit that green "LAUNCH" button. Then, if it goes well, things move a breakneck speeds, "New Backer" emails flooding your inbox, people commenting, messaging you, and you still trying to get the word out. You develop this sort of nervous twitch, refreshing your inbox, or campaign site every 5 minutes. When things slow down you doubt. When they pickup, you dream.

Then, when it's all said and done, when "SUCCESSFULL!" appears where your progress meter once displayed, it's eerily quiet, and now you know that hundreds, sometimes thousands of backers are waiting for you to do your part. They've given, they've shared, they've encouraged, corrected and cheered, they've done their part. Now it's all on you.

I'm exhausted, my jaw hurts from clenching it, my teeth from grinding them, yet I'm exceedingly grateful and I'll probably toast with a little wine in 5 hours to another project and product that I'll be able to share with so many people, and will keep me paying the bills and doing what I love.

Well, with another Kickstarter campaign coming to a close, a book about to come out, and the never ceasing need for new freelance work, I thought I'd gussy up the 'ol website. I'll try to actually post periodically on this blog portion. Look around at the art, write a comment, send a message, etc.